Paintings of Psyche by Susan Seddon Boulet

Journey Home (Psyche) Susan Seddon Boulet

Coming out of Hiding

I know that I have been gone...under water...in zombie land...in a fog...for about 4 years I would say, give or take. My body has been here, but my self...mind, my emotion, my feelings...has been shelved, beaten, confused, scrambled and left out to cool for what seems like eternity.

Penny, my meditation, reiki guru talks about something I would like to address in her new youtube video (You should check it out. There is a link to it on her website which you should check out as well: earthstarradiance.com). She said that we all have come to a point where we think, "Is this all there is?"

Seems like a rather daunting question. I must admit that I think that very sentence quite often. And strangely, lately anyway, it hasn't felt so bad.

Interestingly and, of course, appropriately, (may family and I claim to have esp;) my brother sent me a link yesterday...which I think addresses this question in a very practical way.

www.moreintelligentlife.com/story/david-foster-wallace-in-his-own-words

Mr. Wallace, who I am ashamed I have never heard of until now, talks about the monotony of it all. He is addressing a graduating class and talking about the stuff, well, most people don't talk about. I feel that he makes a very wise point. In the end, or in the moment to moment...what really matters is not what is happening, but how you are handling it. He says that you can choose, every moment, how to interepret the events of your life.

He also talks about the human inclination to be ego-centric. About how this is perfectly normal but not complete. It's a choice.

That's what I want to explore...choosing, everyday, whether or not to be angry at the fucker that cut me off or not...choosing to be considerate...choosing to be joyful. I think that's why the learning the Alexander Technique meant so much to me. In that school of thought (sorry if I simplify to much all you experts out there) you can learn to control your physical habits with thought. You inhibit and direct. You learn how to control your bodies' reactions to life. What I loved about it is that it helped me to understand that, I am not a victim of circumstances. My reaction to my experiences is what matters. I can either hunch over and pull myself down literally when I am hurt, or I can lengthen, expand, and react with an awareness of myself and my surroundings.

Though, very often, this is easier said than done. Like right now, I would love to be alone, quiet, peaceful...though it doesn't seem to be in the cards right this second. And, my initial response was negative...pretty much carried through the whole interaction...though I did find a moment of peace while re-reading this blog. Thank goodness. And now...its a little more quiet.

But back to my original point. The comatose state...it was horrendous...and I am hesitant to say that I feel it creep in every now and then...its my default when dealing with difficulty. I am also proud to say that I can feel it and that I have managed to pull out just in time:)
And as far as the big question....

Is this all there is....

Yes...and that's okay today because I choose for it to be.

The Fog

Ok, so this is a bit ridiculous. It's freakin' 2009 and I have not posted one thing since June of last year. That's not entirely true. I have written maybe a sentence or two as you can see from my posts. I never actually finished any of them though. And its not just now 2009, it's May 2009. Wow. Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy. Ok, so my head and heart have been on a blog vacation. In reality, they have been checked out for awhile.

So, an update(its for me as much as its for you):

Moving again, for reasons that I will not explain. Maybe another day. This time to Studio City(thats what it says on the lease)-though its very close to where I currently live-highly suspect. Lets just say North Hollywood area.

I am temping again-at least this week anyway-at a lovely place you have probably heard of...Napster. Lovely people. Very chill.

I have not worked as an actor in a long time. Wow, not since last summer. Geez. Lots of auditioning though. I auditoned for Mad Men again. Went straight to producers this time.

I took an improv class at Upright Citizens Brigade. Laughed my ass off during every class. Met some very funny, very cool peeps.

I started working out again-like hard core working out-no pussy-footing around the gym for me. The Firm man. If you want to more squats and lunges than you can count try these suckers out. And go for the 80's version. Sure the music and outfits and hair and even little bounces during stretching scream 80's, but the workout will kick your ass. Just don't let your knees go past your toes when you do the squats and lunges and no bouncing-just long nice stretches. Also tried out Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred, NYC Ballet workout, and Nia.

Now, I must pause to speak about Nia. This should definitely be its own update. Ok. So. Nia. Well, its basically dancing I would say, but with yoga and martial arts and tai chi and ballet and many other things all mixed together. I am not expressing myself well. Its about pleasure. Listening to what your body wants to do in the moment. They have a technique but you also get to do free form dances. I went to Studio City Pilates for several classes and had a wonderful time. You would be surprised how hard it can be to let go and move freely to the likes of George Michael or to world music. Check out www.nianow.com for more info.

Another note I would like to hit while I am on the subject of working out. Last night, after temping all day-so basically sitting on my butt for 8 hours-I was incredibly crabby mood. I was intending on working out after getting home, but found that I was in no mood for it. Now, I grant you, that very often, or rather, more often than not, we aren't ever really in the mood to work out, but, there are other times when maybe wejust don't need to workout. What we need is time.

Let me explain. There are times when your body (and by body I mean heart, mind and physical self) maybe just needs some rest. Last night, I went home and I finished a book and then just laid down for a little while. Literally, I laid on my back and just chilled for a few minutes. I actually don't know how long I was there, and I did't move until I felt like it. Before my repose began, I couldn't think of a single thing that I would find pleasant to do. So, I didn't do anything. I just did nothing. And, surprise, suprise...I was in a good mood in no time at all.

It's funny that we don't listen to ourselves naturally, isn't it? Funny in an odd, sad sort of way. Imagine how much easier life would be-every moment, every interafction-if we just listened. Huh. What a concept. No wonder people don't listen to each other. They can't even listen to themselves. Makes sense to me.

So, to continue the update:
I haven't traveled anywhere since going home in December. I miss SC.

Questioning

Yes, that's right. I am questioning my existence. I think its a funny concept really. Seems to me most people don't have time to do such a thing. I am fortunate enough to actually have the time to do this contemplating (insert image into your brain of Rodin's Thinker). Anyway, so here I am. In Los Angeles, California-the valley-to be quite specific-and I am questioning my path in life. I go in out of it sometimes. I sometimes think that I actually should be doing som...

thats's where I stopped. Guess I will finish it later.

December

Well, a lot has changed since my last post. I now live in Toluca Lake as opposed to Van Nuys-thank the good lord. We pay less for more. We traded the garden for street noise, but it makes sense right now. I did my first feature film in which I wore the tiniest bathing suit I had ever seen for longer thank I would care to remember. Thank God for spray tanning is all I can say. It was a great first experience. I did my first play in LA as well...Arms and the Man. What a huge challenge it was for more reasons than I would care to mention. Glad to be done. I started working for a lovely lady who works in real estate. No more temping! WOOHOO!

We elected Obama! This is the first time I am actually proud to be an American in a very long time.

Realizing that you forgot.

It's been awhile. I haven't spent a great deal of time in front of the computer until now. Yes, I am temping again. But I have decided this is it. I am investigating new possibilities. That's a whole other blog. What I really want to talk about is losing yourself.

I went home recently, and while I was there I was fortunate enough to be offered a reiki treatment by a friend. She is, without a doubt, one of the warmest souls I have ever met. You know what I mean--one of those people who just radiates warmth like they are a piece of sunshine inside a human body. And if you are lucky enough to get hug from them you feel enveloped in a safe place where only joy exists.

Possibilities and Realities

The Secret talks about creating your reality. Now, I happen to believe whole heartedly in our ability to do that. Quantum physics and all that. That without us, the world as we know it doesn't exist. We create everything. From the chair we sit in to the car we drive to the shape of our bodies, disease, war. It all gets wrapped up in what we think we deserve, what is actually in our individual realm of possibilities, what we want and what we think about.

So today, as I was sitting in traffic on my way to work, I began to wonder if the circumstances at hand-the ridiculous traffic in LA in general for example-are the product of poor planning, a person's set of beliefs, or the result of trying to do something completely unnatural.

I mean, think about it. Anything that is unnatural, like riding in cars to work in a place not walking distance from home, it seems to me is bound to be difficult to pull off. That seems more practical than I created the traffic and the fact that it took me an hour to get to work. I wish I did, but I don't believe I can control that. But maybe that's the problem. We all believe that the traffic in LA in horrible, and therefore it is. Who started this horrible rumor that became reality? He or she should be shot-no that's awful. Just given a good swift kick. Let's focus on the opposite please. Could we all get behind that? PLEASE! This is getting out of hand.

I think it is rather funny-the situations that we humans get ourselves into. I mean, I am no one to talk. I mean I have managed to live in two sets of the most unnatural circumstances I could have ever imagined. It was never in my realm of possibilities that these types of places could even exist. I mean initially, they seemed to be the perfect places to live. Exactly what I wanted. Now, I am thinking I need to be more specific when I ask for what I want.

The first, well, it was large, close to a nice neighborhood, cheap. Just right. It was a slanted house that was practically underneath the BQE. That's the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway for those of you who are not familiar with the highways and biways of NYC. Yes, I lived under a HIGHWAY. A very large, smelly highway. Oh, and I forgot to mention that this little house happened to be across from another very large, smelly entity. A waste transfer facility. Now, I didn't know that these lovely things existed, but they do. And boy, was that fun when it was 100 degrees in July. Whoo wee. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. So, not surprisingly, we had mice and some of their larger cousins-rats. This place just kept getting better and better. See, completely unnatural and therefore became completely unsanitary and downright disgusting and not good for humans or anything else except rodents. God bless landlords and the things they neglect to mention.

Now, after leaving this place there was a relatively normal apartment in my reality and then the Rainforest happened. Again, I managed to find exactly what I wanted. A little spanish cottage (actually its a guesthouse) with a garden and fountain. Close to work. Secluded. Feels like heaven. The landlord, God bless him, was concerned about whether or not I, or my husband, would have a problem with the fact that he is gay. Of course not! That was a no brainer. He is a lovely man. No issues with his personal sexual preferences. It seemed like a match made in heaven.

Well, as I was cleaning the place-after I had signed the lease, I came to discover a few things. First, my husbands mother, googled our landlord and discovered that we are in fact living on a compound called (we'll call it the Amazon because that is what it feels like), where my landlord breeds and sells exoctic housecats. Yep. There are almost 50 of them on the property. And they are, we'll say, unusual and well. essentially feral. (though I am sure my landlord would argue that point) They are in cages all over the property. I find it amusing that he was concerned about my reaction to his sexual preference more than the large number of seemingly wild cats living on the property. No kidding, it really feels like the rainforest because they growl and howl all the time. Oh, and, I also come to find out, later of course, not from my landlord, that there are other people living on the property in trailors. One was a witchy women type who collected rain water to bath in and believed "wood people" lived on the property. Her eensy dog Hershel lived with her and was scared shitless of everyone but her. She was kind enough to show me around the property, and consequently, I also come to find out that we have a smorgasbord of fruit trees. Persimmons grow on trees. Imagine that. Well, they do-in the rainforest I live in. There are also mimosas and grapefruit and lemons or limes maybe. God knows what else. She's now been replaced by a young man whose name I cannot remember.

Then there was a young man living in another trailer on the property who took care of the cats. He's gone now. Been replaced with another young man who also handles cleaning up the garden in exchange for living on the property. Oh, and I musn't forget Sergei the large Russian man with a pitbull named Core. It took a little time, but he got used us. He was quite sweet really when you got over being terrified he might bite your leg off. Hugely disrespected and misunderstood breed. Sergei spoke to the dog in Russian and would follow it up with a few air smooches. He lived in the main house. He's gone now too-got engaged-and is to be replaced by God knows who.
We still live in the Rainforest with its strange and unnatural circumstances and simply because we signed a lease and its a giant pain in the ass to move. (we're working on it-shhhh;)

Everything about this situation is unnatural at least for me. Maybe it just boils down to being honest with each other and with yourself about what you need to be satisfied. Though it has become home.

But back to the original point. I know I created these two places. The slanted house and the rainforest. I wanted exactly what I got. But the secret says that you shouldn't say what you don't want. Only what you do want. So that's what I did. It's confusing. Should I include, no trash facility, no highways, no cat breeding. Seems like the universe was playing a joke on me with this. I did ask for what I wanted and I got surrounded by crazy shit. I guess I shouldn't perpetuate that idea either. God, this is complicated. Crazy to me, but its true. Poor planning had nothing to do with it. Specificity had everything to do with it. Funny, its the same in acting. lack of specificity and lack of choices are a death sentence.

I just want a normal and beautiful place to live, with lots of light, and a garden, lots of space, really cheap, really safe and hip neighborhood and no landlord. I guess I want my own home. I think I am going to visualize and get really specific. Can't hurt.

Anyway, I have also shamefully perpetuated the reality that LA traffic is bad-really bad. I must stop that. Come on. Everyone now: "LA is so easy to get around. The roads are clear and open, light traffic." Shout it from the rooftops!!!

Maybe we should think about doing that with Global Warming.