Coming out of Hiding

I know that I have been gone...under water...in zombie land...in a fog...for about 4 years I would say, give or take. My body has been here, but my self...mind, my emotion, my feelings...has been shelved, beaten, confused, scrambled and left out to cool for what seems like eternity.

Penny, my meditation, reiki guru talks about something I would like to address in her new youtube video (You should check it out. There is a link to it on her website which you should check out as well: earthstarradiance.com). She said that we all have come to a point where we think, "Is this all there is?"

Seems like a rather daunting question. I must admit that I think that very sentence quite often. And strangely, lately anyway, it hasn't felt so bad.

Interestingly and, of course, appropriately, (may family and I claim to have esp;) my brother sent me a link yesterday...which I think addresses this question in a very practical way.

www.moreintelligentlife.com/story/david-foster-wallace-in-his-own-words

Mr. Wallace, who I am ashamed I have never heard of until now, talks about the monotony of it all. He is addressing a graduating class and talking about the stuff, well, most people don't talk about. I feel that he makes a very wise point. In the end, or in the moment to moment...what really matters is not what is happening, but how you are handling it. He says that you can choose, every moment, how to interepret the events of your life.

He also talks about the human inclination to be ego-centric. About how this is perfectly normal but not complete. It's a choice.

That's what I want to explore...choosing, everyday, whether or not to be angry at the fucker that cut me off or not...choosing to be considerate...choosing to be joyful. I think that's why the learning the Alexander Technique meant so much to me. In that school of thought (sorry if I simplify to much all you experts out there) you can learn to control your physical habits with thought. You inhibit and direct. You learn how to control your bodies' reactions to life. What I loved about it is that it helped me to understand that, I am not a victim of circumstances. My reaction to my experiences is what matters. I can either hunch over and pull myself down literally when I am hurt, or I can lengthen, expand, and react with an awareness of myself and my surroundings.

Though, very often, this is easier said than done. Like right now, I would love to be alone, quiet, peaceful...though it doesn't seem to be in the cards right this second. And, my initial response was negative...pretty much carried through the whole interaction...though I did find a moment of peace while re-reading this blog. Thank goodness. And now...its a little more quiet.

But back to my original point. The comatose state...it was horrendous...and I am hesitant to say that I feel it creep in every now and then...its my default when dealing with difficulty. I am also proud to say that I can feel it and that I have managed to pull out just in time:)
And as far as the big question....

Is this all there is....

Yes...and that's okay today because I choose for it to be.

The Fog

Ok, so this is a bit ridiculous. It's freakin' 2009 and I have not posted one thing since June of last year. That's not entirely true. I have written maybe a sentence or two as you can see from my posts. I never actually finished any of them though. And its not just now 2009, it's May 2009. Wow. Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy. Ok, so my head and heart have been on a blog vacation. In reality, they have been checked out for awhile.

So, an update(its for me as much as its for you):

Moving again, for reasons that I will not explain. Maybe another day. This time to Studio City(thats what it says on the lease)-though its very close to where I currently live-highly suspect. Lets just say North Hollywood area.

I am temping again-at least this week anyway-at a lovely place you have probably heard of...Napster. Lovely people. Very chill.

I have not worked as an actor in a long time. Wow, not since last summer. Geez. Lots of auditioning though. I auditoned for Mad Men again. Went straight to producers this time.

I took an improv class at Upright Citizens Brigade. Laughed my ass off during every class. Met some very funny, very cool peeps.

I started working out again-like hard core working out-no pussy-footing around the gym for me. The Firm man. If you want to more squats and lunges than you can count try these suckers out. And go for the 80's version. Sure the music and outfits and hair and even little bounces during stretching scream 80's, but the workout will kick your ass. Just don't let your knees go past your toes when you do the squats and lunges and no bouncing-just long nice stretches. Also tried out Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred, NYC Ballet workout, and Nia.

Now, I must pause to speak about Nia. This should definitely be its own update. Ok. So. Nia. Well, its basically dancing I would say, but with yoga and martial arts and tai chi and ballet and many other things all mixed together. I am not expressing myself well. Its about pleasure. Listening to what your body wants to do in the moment. They have a technique but you also get to do free form dances. I went to Studio City Pilates for several classes and had a wonderful time. You would be surprised how hard it can be to let go and move freely to the likes of George Michael or to world music. Check out www.nianow.com for more info.

Another note I would like to hit while I am on the subject of working out. Last night, after temping all day-so basically sitting on my butt for 8 hours-I was incredibly crabby mood. I was intending on working out after getting home, but found that I was in no mood for it. Now, I grant you, that very often, or rather, more often than not, we aren't ever really in the mood to work out, but, there are other times when maybe wejust don't need to workout. What we need is time.

Let me explain. There are times when your body (and by body I mean heart, mind and physical self) maybe just needs some rest. Last night, I went home and I finished a book and then just laid down for a little while. Literally, I laid on my back and just chilled for a few minutes. I actually don't know how long I was there, and I did't move until I felt like it. Before my repose began, I couldn't think of a single thing that I would find pleasant to do. So, I didn't do anything. I just did nothing. And, surprise, suprise...I was in a good mood in no time at all.

It's funny that we don't listen to ourselves naturally, isn't it? Funny in an odd, sad sort of way. Imagine how much easier life would be-every moment, every interafction-if we just listened. Huh. What a concept. No wonder people don't listen to each other. They can't even listen to themselves. Makes sense to me.

So, to continue the update:
I haven't traveled anywhere since going home in December. I miss SC.

Questioning

Yes, that's right. I am questioning my existence. I think its a funny concept really. Seems to me most people don't have time to do such a thing. I am fortunate enough to actually have the time to do this contemplating (insert image into your brain of Rodin's Thinker). Anyway, so here I am. In Los Angeles, California-the valley-to be quite specific-and I am questioning my path in life. I go in out of it sometimes. I sometimes think that I actually should be doing som...

thats's where I stopped. Guess I will finish it later.