Coming out of Hiding

I know that I have been gone...under water...in zombie land...in a fog...for about 4 years I would say, give or take. My body has been here, but my self...mind, my emotion, my feelings...has been shelved, beaten, confused, scrambled and left out to cool for what seems like eternity.

Penny, my meditation, reiki guru talks about something I would like to address in her new youtube video (You should check it out. There is a link to it on her website which you should check out as well: earthstarradiance.com). She said that we all have come to a point where we think, "Is this all there is?"

Seems like a rather daunting question. I must admit that I think that very sentence quite often. And strangely, lately anyway, it hasn't felt so bad.

Interestingly and, of course, appropriately, (may family and I claim to have esp;) my brother sent me a link yesterday...which I think addresses this question in a very practical way.

www.moreintelligentlife.com/story/david-foster-wallace-in-his-own-words

Mr. Wallace, who I am ashamed I have never heard of until now, talks about the monotony of it all. He is addressing a graduating class and talking about the stuff, well, most people don't talk about. I feel that he makes a very wise point. In the end, or in the moment to moment...what really matters is not what is happening, but how you are handling it. He says that you can choose, every moment, how to interepret the events of your life.

He also talks about the human inclination to be ego-centric. About how this is perfectly normal but not complete. It's a choice.

That's what I want to explore...choosing, everyday, whether or not to be angry at the fucker that cut me off or not...choosing to be considerate...choosing to be joyful. I think that's why the learning the Alexander Technique meant so much to me. In that school of thought (sorry if I simplify to much all you experts out there) you can learn to control your physical habits with thought. You inhibit and direct. You learn how to control your bodies' reactions to life. What I loved about it is that it helped me to understand that, I am not a victim of circumstances. My reaction to my experiences is what matters. I can either hunch over and pull myself down literally when I am hurt, or I can lengthen, expand, and react with an awareness of myself and my surroundings.

Though, very often, this is easier said than done. Like right now, I would love to be alone, quiet, peaceful...though it doesn't seem to be in the cards right this second. And, my initial response was negative...pretty much carried through the whole interaction...though I did find a moment of peace while re-reading this blog. Thank goodness. And now...its a little more quiet.

But back to my original point. The comatose state...it was horrendous...and I am hesitant to say that I feel it creep in every now and then...its my default when dealing with difficulty. I am also proud to say that I can feel it and that I have managed to pull out just in time:)
And as far as the big question....

Is this all there is....

Yes...and that's okay today because I choose for it to be.