A Note on the Little Things

I would just like to say that I much prefer living the life that includes being optimistic, positive, excited by life-the big, the small, the extraordinary and the mundane.

I am so grateful for this beautiful life.

My two cats, Bella and Bisous, bring me more joy than I ever thought possible. They are not your typical cats.

My garden, for example, brings total joy to my day. I find ruby-throated hummingbirds bathing in my fountain on a daily basis.

Green Boundaries

So I have taken to "going green" these days. I really like it. Most of the time. My husband and I have invested $5.00 in reusable grocery bags (now I need to actually get them into my car before going to the grocery). Thanks to this lovely job, I have been able to investigate all sorts of worthy causes and interesting ways to live green. I get a lot of tips from the Ideal Bite for LA. (see link under interesting links;) Everyday, this site sends out an email that discusses one way to "go green." I love it. It has helped me discover LA in new, eco-conscious ways.

But back to how my small family contributes:

We recylce like fiends. We buy organic food. We have cfls in our apartment. We use cloth napkins and cleaning rags. We have reusable coffee mugs. We have metal water bottles. We use environmentally friendly cleaning products. We unplug our appliances when they are not in use. I have managed to be the recycled clothes receiving queen. (hand-me-downs is my middle name and I didnt even realize it was environmentally conscious until recently-yay!) We wash our clothes in cold water. We buy recycled paper products. We are, for the most part, vegetarian.

All in all, I feel that we believe that taking care of the planet is a priority. But at what point does it become overkill, too much, a little ridiculous. Is it even viable, when we are talking about our planet, to say anything could possibly be ludicrous, annoying, or too much trouble. Seems like a funny thing to say or think. Alas, I fear many people feel that way. In the end, I think we can only do what we can. Little things add up. I don't feel stretched with the choices I have made thus far, but I do feel stretched when I think about going another step.

For example, I shop at Trader Joes-as do what feels like the majority of people in LA when I am standing in line. A wonderful entity. Truly. They have managed to offer products (many of which are organic) at a reasonable prices. You gotta love 'em. Here's the problem though. A lot of their produce is in packages. Plastic packages (or I cannot believe I am writing this-styrofoam-doesnt everyone on know that it never will go away-ever-I think I learned that in elementary school-ah, the power of denial) covered with seran wrap. This seems unnecessarily wasteful to me. Should I reject Trader Joes because of some non-environmentally friendly product packaging? Why not just put it out like apples? People select what they want and leave the rest. This is the sort of thing that makes me crazy. Do I go to Trader Joes and get my produce or make two trips. One to Trader Joes and one to Whole Foods-where their produce is set up the way I am describing. I could techinically argue that I am being wasteful by shopping in two places. More gas, you know. So, holy fuck, what am I supposed to do?!

Ok, another example: what happens when I forget my travel mug or my trusty metal water bottle? I buy a water, because I'm thirsty. Except that now I also have to worry about the type of plastic my water is in because some of the plastics are toxic and poison the water. Lovely. Or I get a coffee in a paper cup-hopefully, if they've converted from styrofoam-and then I think about the tree that I just drank out of. This is the point where I start to think-holy mother of god-ENOUGH! Oh and ps, could someone explain to me why most yogurt companies don't put their yogurt in recyclable plastic-damnit!

So, how does one, conscious consumer deal with these issues? One at a time I suppose because otherwise you would go nuts.

Now, I decided to incorporate green living into my life primarily as a result of a dietary change. I read Skinny Bitch which includes quite graphic decriptions of the cruely animals are subjected to when they are slaughtered. Changed me forever. The only meat I find hard to give up is fish, which, most definitely, is hypocritical of me. In fact, at this moment, I know its time to let that go completely. Anyway, that started this shin-dig. That promted me to really consider every choice I make about not only what I consume through my mouth but also with my credit card. I want to feel like I am contributing to the planet, to people, to my community, not damaging it. Going green for me is a way to do that in my daily existence as opposed to just occassionally supporting a cause. At this stage of the game, unfortunately, making ends meet is what the rest of time is and needs to be focused on. (That could open up can of worms. Maybe later.) This is a manageable lifestyle change that benefits the planet. Interestingly, it has provided a means by which I connect to and investigate my community.

As in dealing with everything in life, it seems to me that balance and personal boundaries are necessary. I believe that if we all do a little bit within our own "green boundaries" and avoid taking on too much resposibility, huge, juicy, cool change is possible.

Flickering Clarity and a note on Customer Service

Well, I think I may have figured it out.

You know I said in yesterday's blog that Caroline Myss in her book Anatomy of the Spirit talked about the fact that she, at one point in her life before she became an medical intuitive, author, etc., had a job similar to the one that I am currently in.

Well, I have been trying to, in the midst of this crazy place, get a handle on what this job is affording me-you know some clarity about what I am supposed to be doing and learning during this time.
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Gosh, okay, back to my train of thought-no wonder writers get exclusive about having space and quiet. Maybe I will continue tomorrow.

I would like to say that I am in serious need of chocolate right now. I was just telling a friend of mine that I always go through this weird 4 o'clock blues thing. I get really pooped, peeved, and pissy.
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Anyway, about the clarity thing... funny my post on clarity hasn't been clear or focused at all because I keep getting interrupted.

I think I am in this job for a couple of reasons. First, it has spurred me into writing again. I was in desperate need of a creative outlet and this blogging thing has practically saved my sanity.
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Ok, I am going to try to finish this little buggar (I should say blogger) today.
I know that I was about to go on about how these circumstances are playing out in my life and that they are necessary, but before I go on...

a note about customer service...

I had a man say to me after I had told him that the people he was trying to get in touch with were out of town "Well, what would you do if there was a fire? Who would you call then?" I think I said, "I don't think that is pertinent to this conversation"-something like that.
I should have said you have no life and probably a small prick if you have time to be an asshole to a receptionist. Bullying, demanding bastards. I had another woman yell at me "This is ridiculous!" as I was giving her driving directions to our store. I told her that there is no reason to get angry. Then she hung up on me while I was trying to find out if we had another location. I suppose this must be anger that they must have no outlet for.

You know, I think "customer service" should have two necessary and expected components. Instead of the company being the only party expected to be accomodating, perhaps the customer, in order to be served, should be required to be courteous and patient as well. A give-take relationship would be established. The phrase customer service implies that both the customer and the company should be in the service department.

You know, in hindsight, I should have said, "I'm sorry you're having a bad day. Big hug to you, you selfish, shortsighted prick..."

Sorry, sorry, i just keep thinking of great things to say.

What I mean is I should try compassion as a tactic since the whole interaction is obviously not personal.

Anyway, I would also like to make a comment on the issue of self-importance. I have noticed in the short time that I have been here that everyone-or at least the people who call in-MUST be talked to and helped IMMEDIATELY. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

IT'S ALWAYS VERY IMPORTANT, ASSHOLE!!! EVERYONE GET IN LINE FOR VERY IMPORTANT MATTERS!

It also seems to me that no one in this particular office likes to be available to assist in these VERY IMPORTANT matters.

"Oh, no, I can't help. Call this person or that person."

And I get to run interference. Screen.

"Could you screen calls for everyone in accounting, please."
"Do me a favor, don't send their calls to me. Send them to this person or that person. Let them leave a voicemail."

Ok, so updated requirements for every human being entering society:
1. Everyone should be a waiter.
2. Everyone should be a receptionist.
3. Everyone should have to clean a public toilet.
4.Everyone should try to remember that there are billions of people on the planet. As I said in another column-a little perspective please.

I, actually, have now done all of these things, and, consequently, I clean up after myself, am always courteous and patient, and tip very well. Otherwise, a lot of unnecessary negative energy will continue to circulate.

Aw, that was nice-one of the VPs came and talked to me and agreed completely with what I said. He agrees everyone deserves respect and to be treated with dignity no matter who they are. Amen, brother!

So, perhaps we all think this way. In theory, it sounds great. But, how many of us actually execute our theories.

I find that, in all things, it is very easy to contemplate the possibilities of the life you would like to lead. Its much more difficult to DO.

So, all in all, I not really attended to my original idea of clarity. Perhaps I will attend to it later.

You know, blogging is a funny thing. You kind of say what's on your mind or, at least, the edited version of it. People might read it after all.

Finito

Well, I told my temp agency that I didn't want to do this anymore! Woohoo! I am almost done with this BS!

Insert-a chorus singing Hallelujah!!!! I am not a religious person, but that says it all. So I am almost free.

I have been taking a class with a casting director at this place in the valley. It's one of those places that you pay to meet casting directors and agents. This one is a little different than other ones that I have been. You actually take a workshop with these people instead of meeting with them one on one. I like it. The first I signed up for was a 6 week class which has turned out to be great. The CD is fantastic-very down-to-earth, no-nonsense. And, incidentally, she is the kind of person I would be friends with. In this case, however, seems like it would be slightly awkward to initiate that-to say the least. Nevertheless, I have now met someone I respect and who now knows my work in LA. Its unfortunate that it is the only way an actor can connect with casting offices until one has an agent. Although, I must point out that its nice that there is a way other than mailings to connect with people. Regardless, let me get back to my original point, which was that last night, in week 5 of my class, I decided to ask my fellow actors about jobs.

I told them my current circumstances-temping, reception, 11 dollars per hour and got a resounding "awwwwww." Whew, and I thought it was just me.

Anyway, got a few ideas. Bottom line, I can do better. At least when it comes to money. Stimulation, well, we can attend to that next.

So, extra work, promotional work and substitute teaching are on the table.

Extra work, I've done. I didn't make a career out of it, but I've done it. Did you know that there are extras who actually make a career out of being a "background artist. " Now granted, the ones I've met were stand-ins. Funnily enough, they are snobby about this fact. They get 15 dollars more a day than a regular extra and, yet, they are somewhat exclusive about their positions. Now, I come to find out that many do it because, if they work for enough weeks, they qualify for health insurance. Now, that's all well and good, but some of these people actually got into this business to act and have now resigned themselves to being BG for health insurance and a pension. Seems like an odd choice to me. Seems like a lazy choice to me. Seems like a straight and narrow choice that is even more narrow and, ps, not nearly as secure, as a 9 to 5-or 9 to 6 if you live in my world. Now maybe some of them had preexisting medical conditions that forced them to make a certain level of health coverage absolutely necessary. Could be. What do I know? Very little.

Anyway, seems like a reasonable option, but nothing I could live with for long.

Next option...promotional stuff.

Well, now, I have done this too.

I worked for a gorilla marketing company-very bad idea. I had to go to all the restaurants that Sex and the City had been filmed in and try to put stickers up in the bathrooms about the show being on TBS. Yeah, that was fun and very classy. Don't you think? Oh, and I had to take a picture of every single one. (Insert condescending, peeved expression.) Oh, and I had to "dress sexy"-that was really great wandering around NYC, its like 110 degrees, and I am in a very short skirt and I have to approach nasty ass bars, high end restaurants-you name it and be charming, and ask if I can essentially post free advertising in their bathroom. Simple. Easy. Completely sleazy and disgusting. Not worth my or anyone else's spit if you ask me.

So, a woman in class said something about setting up a booth and that's it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Worth asking about a catch anyway.

And lastly, subbing. I have never been a substitute. I cannot say that the idea really excites me. In fact, dealing with a bunch of hormonal, insecure little pricks is not my idea of a good time. May little ones though. Less complicated. That sounds more appealing. Maybe I will do that after I investigate the promotional stuff. My God, these are my options!

Don't worry I haven't forgotten my yoga idea.

Still, small victory, I blew the whistle on this gig and started looking for a new game.

frustration

So, yes,

this will be a complaining session. I cannot help it. I know that I am supposed to see the positive. Just like Caroline Myss says. What can I use this time for. I am missing it.

Ok...so positives...

I can im with anyone I like, read a book, do submissions for acting, anything I want...

except move from this desk for anything other than to pee or to go to lunch. I probably should have said that I am going to list the negatives now. Oh fucking well.

So...perhaps I should preface this by saying that I am not a desk job sort of person. I should have added that to my earlier post about what I am and what I am not. I need movement. Period. Emotional, spritual and physical. Sitting for what ends up being about 10 hours plus 3 more this evening makes me insane. It's not normal or right. No wonder most people in this country are fat sluggies.

Ok. I have made myself feel sufficiently bad about complaining so I am ready to move on. New space. One must remain eternally optimistic and curious, otherwise, you're dead.

So, e-trading. Anyone know anything about that?

Maybe I should be using this time for thinking about my circumstances. Well, I feel I have been doing that.

Fed Up

I am losing sight today

losing sight of my direction

receptionist...receptionist

aka filter
aka first line of defense
aka bullshiter for the higher ups
aka person without a life of their own

at least for 8 hours

I must make a change. This is bullshit. And that is coming from the hired BSer:)

Again, back to this. What to do now. I cannot continue this.

I am not a phone person. I don't like to answer my own phone. Much less, phone calls for someone (or in this case, hundreds of someones) else. I hate this. Can I just say it. Not to complain, not for anyone to fix, but for me. I HATE THIS. I QUIT!

That feels better. Whoo. At least I am being honest. Now I don't feel so trapped. Better.

Odd how releasing, letting go and saying fuck all helps.

I keep saying it, but I must be more creative. I need something more stimulating than this crapola. And I want to do some good in the world. This is not doing good. This is only spreading bad energy-mine to be exact because I do not want to be here. I want to spread joy, love, beauty and be flexible and making money while doing that.

Landscaper maybe. I love gardening. That could be good.

Post could read:

I will fix your garden. Make it beautiful.
PS (in tiny font) you must pay well ;)

Haha. I am going to check out monster.

Being Good and Right on Time

What is this obsession with time that we all have?

My dear husband is going to be 29 next week, and he keeps alluding to the fact that he's getting old!

My brother feels anxious because he feels like he should be doing something while he is working his temp job.

Hell, even I feel like I should be doing something productive while I am riding around in the ever present traffic in LA. I am really considering getting a language tape-french, spanish, italian-not sure which. But if I play out the scene in my head, it would be something like this.

Morning. (It should be 8 am but its 8:22) I am driving to work in my little red Nissan Versa (which I love by the way. Her name is Jujubee.) I am already a bit frazzled because I can never seem to leave on time (for jobs I am not excited about anyway). I eat my breakfast and drink my first cup of coffee. I speed to work, weaving around anyone who is going too slow 'til I come to the entrance to one of 4 roads that go over the hill. Lately, it's been Beverly Glen. And, as usual, everything comes to a dead stop. And then the yelling begins. And it all makes sense. I scream at the traffic cops to "pay attention to us-we have to cross too!" or to the "asshole!" who cuts me off because he's trying to squeeze his way onto the road as well. While still waiting to cross the intersection of Ventura and Beverly Glen, I start my makeup and my second cup of coffee. Yes, I have a travel mug and and regular mug:) Not many places serve organic coffee made in a french press for cheap. What can you do?

So the thought of adding french to the mix seems rather comical if you ask me. Oh, I forgot to add that I make phone calls and check my voicemail on these trips as well. My God, is overachieving a disease?

Still, in the name of being productive (which, in this culture, makes you a "good" person) this idea of learning a language is appealing. And I feel I would be expanding my skill set. For an actor that's terribly important. It decreases the competition significantly if you can speak a language or play an instrument or stand on your head and knit or whatever.

Wow, speaking of not having enough time, I just found out that Anthony Minghella died last week. Cancer of the tonsils. My God, that's so crazy. He was a truly extraordinary director. I am deeply disappointed that I will not have the privilege of seeing more of his movies or working with him. He was always in my top 5 to work with. Joy and peace to you Mr. Minghella. And thank you.

A lot of wake up calls lately. I am not sure why I keep getting them. Perhaps we all get them all the time, these small reality checks, and I'm just paying attention lately.

Back to the age thing...
I am 27 (don't tell anyone in the biz;) and entering what anyone who follows astrology knows, my Saturn return. Its generally a time of upheaval. You reevaluate everything-your upbringing, your circumstances, your, well, everything. And, supposedly, by the end of this 2 year cycle, everything will have changed. You may find yourself divorced or famous or rich, etc, and experiencing a very different reality. And, PS, i don't necessarily take the astrology thing really seriously. I was supposed to have a stellar day yesterday and kaput. It was actually, well, fine but definitely not stellar. No criminal minds (see yesterday's blog). I wouldn't call that stellar. I would call that, well, Eh.

That being said, I do want to consider this Saturn return thing in my age discussion because, well, regardless of whether or not it is a phenomenon that affects us, the 20's are, to say the least, a rather tumultuous time in a person's life. I am quite grateful to be on the far end of this time. Though I believe there are no hard and fast rules about about age-I think its rather arbitrary really. We all, generally, develop, biologically speaking, at the same pace, yes. But age has to do with quality of life and with life experience. I have heard people say never trust a person in their twenties. We have a very little experience under our belts, and therefore, very little knowledge about life, not to mention ourselves and our place in the world. That's what this time is, in my opinion. A period of discovery. Which, by its nature, is a bit messy, if not a bit painful. And decisions will be made and unmade dozens of times. Indecision not just a female thing-a thing we ladies seem to think we have a right to be, which, ma certo, we do-but a human thing.

Anyway, I say screw these measures for our lives that make us "good" or "efficient" or "on time". And if you want to learn something while simultaneously doing something else, wonderful. If you want to give yourself a deadline for something you would like to accomplish-by all means, if it turns you on. But don't hold yourself to some standard, some random human example of how things can be done. That s just one possibility. Why not take that as a beacon or a star to look to for guidance along your uncharted course.