So, yes,
this will be a complaining session. I cannot help it. I know that I am supposed to see the positive. Just like Caroline Myss says. What can I use this time for. I am missing it.
Ok...so positives...
I can im with anyone I like, read a book, do submissions for acting, anything I want...
except move from this desk for anything other than to pee or to go to lunch. I probably should have said that I am going to list the negatives now. Oh fucking well.
So...perhaps I should preface this by saying that I am not a desk job sort of person. I should have added that to my earlier post about what I am and what I am not. I need movement. Period. Emotional, spritual and physical. Sitting for what ends up being about 10 hours plus 3 more this evening makes me insane. It's not normal or right. No wonder most people in this country are fat sluggies.
Ok. I have made myself feel sufficiently bad about complaining so I am ready to move on. New space. One must remain eternally optimistic and curious, otherwise, you're dead.
So, e-trading. Anyone know anything about that?
Maybe I should be using this time for thinking about my circumstances. Well, I feel I have been doing that.
31 March 2008
Fed Up
I am losing sight today
losing sight of my direction
receptionist...receptionist
aka filter
aka first line of defense
aka bullshiter for the higher ups
aka person without a life of their own
at least for 8 hours
I must make a change. This is bullshit. And that is coming from the hired BSer:)
Again, back to this. What to do now. I cannot continue this.
I am not a phone person. I don't like to answer my own phone. Much less, phone calls for someone (or in this case, hundreds of someones) else. I hate this. Can I just say it. Not to complain, not for anyone to fix, but for me. I HATE THIS. I QUIT!
That feels better. Whoo. At least I am being honest. Now I don't feel so trapped. Better.
Odd how releasing, letting go and saying fuck all helps.
I keep saying it, but I must be more creative. I need something more stimulating than this crapola. And I want to do some good in the world. This is not doing good. This is only spreading bad energy-mine to be exact because I do not want to be here. I want to spread joy, love, beauty and be flexible and making money while doing that.
Landscaper maybe. I love gardening. That could be good.
Post could read:
I will fix your garden. Make it beautiful.
PS (in tiny font) you must pay well ;)
Haha. I am going to check out monster.
losing sight of my direction
receptionist...receptionist
aka filter
aka first line of defense
aka bullshiter for the higher ups
aka person without a life of their own
at least for 8 hours
I must make a change. This is bullshit. And that is coming from the hired BSer:)
Again, back to this. What to do now. I cannot continue this.
I am not a phone person. I don't like to answer my own phone. Much less, phone calls for someone (or in this case, hundreds of someones) else. I hate this. Can I just say it. Not to complain, not for anyone to fix, but for me. I HATE THIS. I QUIT!
That feels better. Whoo. At least I am being honest. Now I don't feel so trapped. Better.
Odd how releasing, letting go and saying fuck all helps.
I keep saying it, but I must be more creative. I need something more stimulating than this crapola. And I want to do some good in the world. This is not doing good. This is only spreading bad energy-mine to be exact because I do not want to be here. I want to spread joy, love, beauty and be flexible and making money while doing that.
Landscaper maybe. I love gardening. That could be good.
Post could read:
I will fix your garden. Make it beautiful.
PS (in tiny font) you must pay well ;)
Haha. I am going to check out monster.
28 March 2008
Being Good and Right on Time
What is this obsession with time that we all have?
My dear husband is going to be 29 next week, and he keeps alluding to the fact that he's getting old!
My brother feels anxious because he feels like he should be doing something while he is working his temp job.
Hell, even I feel like I should be doing something productive while I am riding around in the ever present traffic in LA. I am really considering getting a language tape-french, spanish, italian-not sure which. But if I play out the scene in my head, it would be something like this.
Morning. (It should be 8 am but its 8:22) I am driving to work in my little red Nissan Versa (which I love by the way. Her name is Jujubee.) I am already a bit frazzled because I can never seem to leave on time (for jobs I am not excited about anyway). I eat my breakfast and drink my first cup of coffee. I speed to work, weaving around anyone who is going too slow 'til I come to the entrance to one of 4 roads that go over the hill. Lately, it's been Beverly Glen. And, as usual, everything comes to a dead stop. And then the yelling begins. And it all makes sense. I scream at the traffic cops to "pay attention to us-we have to cross too!" or to the "asshole!" who cuts me off because he's trying to squeeze his way onto the road as well. While still waiting to cross the intersection of Ventura and Beverly Glen, I start my makeup and my second cup of coffee. Yes, I have a travel mug and and regular mug:) Not many places serve organic coffee made in a french press for cheap. What can you do?
So the thought of adding french to the mix seems rather comical if you ask me. Oh, I forgot to add that I make phone calls and check my voicemail on these trips as well. My God, is overachieving a disease?
Still, in the name of being productive (which, in this culture, makes you a "good" person) this idea of learning a language is appealing. And I feel I would be expanding my skill set. For an actor that's terribly important. It decreases the competition significantly if you can speak a language or play an instrument or stand on your head and knit or whatever.
Wow, speaking of not having enough time, I just found out that Anthony Minghella died last week. Cancer of the tonsils. My God, that's so crazy. He was a truly extraordinary director. I am deeply disappointed that I will not have the privilege of seeing more of his movies or working with him. He was always in my top 5 to work with. Joy and peace to you Mr. Minghella. And thank you.
A lot of wake up calls lately. I am not sure why I keep getting them. Perhaps we all get them all the time, these small reality checks, and I'm just paying attention lately.
Back to the age thing...
I am 27 (don't tell anyone in the biz;) and entering what anyone who follows astrology knows, my Saturn return. Its generally a time of upheaval. You reevaluate everything-your upbringing, your circumstances, your, well, everything. And, supposedly, by the end of this 2 year cycle, everything will have changed. You may find yourself divorced or famous or rich, etc, and experiencing a very different reality. And, PS, i don't necessarily take the astrology thing really seriously. I was supposed to have a stellar day yesterday and kaput. It was actually, well, fine but definitely not stellar. No criminal minds (see yesterday's blog). I wouldn't call that stellar. I would call that, well, Eh.
That being said, I do want to consider this Saturn return thing in my age discussion because, well, regardless of whether or not it is a phenomenon that affects us, the 20's are, to say the least, a rather tumultuous time in a person's life. I am quite grateful to be on the far end of this time. Though I believe there are no hard and fast rules about about age-I think its rather arbitrary really. We all, generally, develop, biologically speaking, at the same pace, yes. But age has to do with quality of life and with life experience. I have heard people say never trust a person in their twenties. We have a very little experience under our belts, and therefore, very little knowledge about life, not to mention ourselves and our place in the world. That's what this time is, in my opinion. A period of discovery. Which, by its nature, is a bit messy, if not a bit painful. And decisions will be made and unmade dozens of times. Indecision not just a female thing-a thing we ladies seem to think we have a right to be, which, ma certo, we do-but a human thing.
Anyway, I say screw these measures for our lives that make us "good" or "efficient" or "on time". And if you want to learn something while simultaneously doing something else, wonderful. If you want to give yourself a deadline for something you would like to accomplish-by all means, if it turns you on. But don't hold yourself to some standard, some random human example of how things can be done. That s just one possibility. Why not take that as a beacon or a star to look to for guidance along your uncharted course.
My dear husband is going to be 29 next week, and he keeps alluding to the fact that he's getting old!
My brother feels anxious because he feels like he should be doing something while he is working his temp job.
Hell, even I feel like I should be doing something productive while I am riding around in the ever present traffic in LA. I am really considering getting a language tape-french, spanish, italian-not sure which. But if I play out the scene in my head, it would be something like this.
Morning. (It should be 8 am but its 8:22) I am driving to work in my little red Nissan Versa (which I love by the way. Her name is Jujubee.) I am already a bit frazzled because I can never seem to leave on time (for jobs I am not excited about anyway). I eat my breakfast and drink my first cup of coffee. I speed to work, weaving around anyone who is going too slow 'til I come to the entrance to one of 4 roads that go over the hill. Lately, it's been Beverly Glen. And, as usual, everything comes to a dead stop. And then the yelling begins. And it all makes sense. I scream at the traffic cops to "pay attention to us-we have to cross too!" or to the "asshole!" who cuts me off because he's trying to squeeze his way onto the road as well. While still waiting to cross the intersection of Ventura and Beverly Glen, I start my makeup and my second cup of coffee. Yes, I have a travel mug and and regular mug:) Not many places serve organic coffee made in a french press for cheap. What can you do?
So the thought of adding french to the mix seems rather comical if you ask me. Oh, I forgot to add that I make phone calls and check my voicemail on these trips as well. My God, is overachieving a disease?
Still, in the name of being productive (which, in this culture, makes you a "good" person) this idea of learning a language is appealing. And I feel I would be expanding my skill set. For an actor that's terribly important. It decreases the competition significantly if you can speak a language or play an instrument or stand on your head and knit or whatever.
Wow, speaking of not having enough time, I just found out that Anthony Minghella died last week. Cancer of the tonsils. My God, that's so crazy. He was a truly extraordinary director. I am deeply disappointed that I will not have the privilege of seeing more of his movies or working with him. He was always in my top 5 to work with. Joy and peace to you Mr. Minghella. And thank you.
A lot of wake up calls lately. I am not sure why I keep getting them. Perhaps we all get them all the time, these small reality checks, and I'm just paying attention lately.
Back to the age thing...
I am 27 (don't tell anyone in the biz;) and entering what anyone who follows astrology knows, my Saturn return. Its generally a time of upheaval. You reevaluate everything-your upbringing, your circumstances, your, well, everything. And, supposedly, by the end of this 2 year cycle, everything will have changed. You may find yourself divorced or famous or rich, etc, and experiencing a very different reality. And, PS, i don't necessarily take the astrology thing really seriously. I was supposed to have a stellar day yesterday and kaput. It was actually, well, fine but definitely not stellar. No criminal minds (see yesterday's blog). I wouldn't call that stellar. I would call that, well, Eh.
That being said, I do want to consider this Saturn return thing in my age discussion because, well, regardless of whether or not it is a phenomenon that affects us, the 20's are, to say the least, a rather tumultuous time in a person's life. I am quite grateful to be on the far end of this time. Though I believe there are no hard and fast rules about about age-I think its rather arbitrary really. We all, generally, develop, biologically speaking, at the same pace, yes. But age has to do with quality of life and with life experience. I have heard people say never trust a person in their twenties. We have a very little experience under our belts, and therefore, very little knowledge about life, not to mention ourselves and our place in the world. That's what this time is, in my opinion. A period of discovery. Which, by its nature, is a bit messy, if not a bit painful. And decisions will be made and unmade dozens of times. Indecision not just a female thing-a thing we ladies seem to think we have a right to be, which, ma certo, we do-but a human thing.
Anyway, I say screw these measures for our lives that make us "good" or "efficient" or "on time". And if you want to learn something while simultaneously doing something else, wonderful. If you want to give yourself a deadline for something you would like to accomplish-by all means, if it turns you on. But don't hold yourself to some standard, some random human example of how things can be done. That s just one possibility. Why not take that as a beacon or a star to look to for guidance along your uncharted course.
27 March 2008
Audition
Ah yes-wonderful word really...audition.
So meaningful, so full of possibility, so full of the blahs and
the absolutely, one hundred percent necessary "Eh."
So, to make this a little clearer, and to follow up my request for perspective in my last post properly-so as to look like a complete hypocrite-
I got an audition for Criminal Minds. Yep, my first TV audition. It was quite exciting. 3 whole lines. Oddly enough, and actually, if you think about, not so odd, I paid to meet the casting director that called me in. Lovely man. Didn't think he liked me particularly actually. Well, I should say, I think he thought I was funny. Good at comedy. Which was nice, really. I should mention that Criminal Minds is a drama about people who murder other people who are usually young, caucasian women. Every week they need a killer and a victim-the perfect show for breaking in. But...I didn't think it was necessarily great that he thought I was funny. Anyway, blah blah. Apparently, it didn't matter, because he called me in for a teensy part. Friend of the victim. And I don't think I got it. Apparently for this show, the turnaround is quite quick and someone else I know already got a call. So, initially, most definitely, in my small world, a blah. Followed by the absolutely necessary Eh. Bonnie Gillespie, lovely columnist on Actors Access, said that one must have an "Eh" attitude about everything. So you got an audition "Eh." So you got it "Eh." So you didnt "Eh." Life goes on. (She says it better than me. actorsaccess.com. It's one of the march columns.)
I have now paid homage to one of the original reasons I started this blog thing-the actor's intentions-or in this case experiences. It was my first tv audition after all. Thank you Mr. David:)
And now, to move on, because the best actors are the ones with really interesting lives apart from their work.
So meaningful, so full of possibility, so full of the blahs and
the absolutely, one hundred percent necessary "Eh."
So, to make this a little clearer, and to follow up my request for perspective in my last post properly-so as to look like a complete hypocrite-
I got an audition for Criminal Minds. Yep, my first TV audition. It was quite exciting. 3 whole lines. Oddly enough, and actually, if you think about, not so odd, I paid to meet the casting director that called me in. Lovely man. Didn't think he liked me particularly actually. Well, I should say, I think he thought I was funny. Good at comedy. Which was nice, really. I should mention that Criminal Minds is a drama about people who murder other people who are usually young, caucasian women. Every week they need a killer and a victim-the perfect show for breaking in. But...I didn't think it was necessarily great that he thought I was funny. Anyway, blah blah. Apparently, it didn't matter, because he called me in for a teensy part. Friend of the victim. And I don't think I got it. Apparently for this show, the turnaround is quite quick and someone else I know already got a call. So, initially, most definitely, in my small world, a blah. Followed by the absolutely necessary Eh. Bonnie Gillespie, lovely columnist on Actors Access, said that one must have an "Eh" attitude about everything. So you got an audition "Eh." So you got it "Eh." So you didnt "Eh." Life goes on. (She says it better than me. actorsaccess.com. It's one of the march columns.)
I have now paid homage to one of the original reasons I started this blog thing-the actor's intentions-or in this case experiences. It was my first tv audition after all. Thank you Mr. David:)
And now, to move on, because the best actors are the ones with really interesting lives apart from their work.
24 March 2008
Empathy
I read this article about empathy recently in O. It talked about the fact that empathy is essentially necessary for an intimate relationship whether platonic or romantic. One should try to listen and just understand and basically say "yeah. I understand" or "that really sucks"-whatever the situation calls for. But no changing the subject or offering solutions or making light of it.
Now, that is where I come in. I totally understand the empathy thing. The mothering part of myself gets that. I can even employ it and have, but thats the thing. I think I overdo the empathy thing. How can you empathize without creating a dynamic that is detrimental to the relationship. Then it becomes a parent-child relationship, which is always a fucking buzz kill.
----
March 27, 2008
So to continue, nobody wants an extra parent. I just don't know how to throw out the perfect dose of empathy and encouragement. And what do I do when someone goes on and on and on and never attends to their issues, never seems to even grow. They are habitual pessimistic, narcissistic, raging complainers. It can be exhausting for them and those around them. Now I am all for a good rant every now and then-we all need and deserve that-but all the time?
Is it a world view? My friend KJ said that she had known someone who called her Mediterranean and himself Nordic. She is warm, vibrant, full of life and appreciates beauty. He, apparently, had a hard time enjoying the ride. Is that what it is? Some people are Nordic and some Mediterranean. Half empty or half full?
What happens when you reach a point where you don't want to hear it anymore? Have you lost your sense of compassion, your ability to empathize? Do you become one of those people who doesn't want to talk talk about mushy, messy stuff, in short,a fair-weather friend?
Seems to me friends are also around to give a swift kick in the arse if necessary. The world is a big place. And as the Big Jacket says, "there are a billion people in China who don't even know you're alive."
A little perspective please.
Now, that is where I come in. I totally understand the empathy thing. The mothering part of myself gets that. I can even employ it and have, but thats the thing. I think I overdo the empathy thing. How can you empathize without creating a dynamic that is detrimental to the relationship. Then it becomes a parent-child relationship, which is always a fucking buzz kill.
----
March 27, 2008
So to continue, nobody wants an extra parent. I just don't know how to throw out the perfect dose of empathy and encouragement. And what do I do when someone goes on and on and on and never attends to their issues, never seems to even grow. They are habitual pessimistic, narcissistic, raging complainers. It can be exhausting for them and those around them. Now I am all for a good rant every now and then-we all need and deserve that-but all the time?
Is it a world view? My friend KJ said that she had known someone who called her Mediterranean and himself Nordic. She is warm, vibrant, full of life and appreciates beauty. He, apparently, had a hard time enjoying the ride. Is that what it is? Some people are Nordic and some Mediterranean. Half empty or half full?
What happens when you reach a point where you don't want to hear it anymore? Have you lost your sense of compassion, your ability to empathize? Do you become one of those people who doesn't want to talk talk about mushy, messy stuff, in short,a fair-weather friend?
Seems to me friends are also around to give a swift kick in the arse if necessary. The world is a big place. And as the Big Jacket says, "there are a billion people in China who don't even know you're alive."
A little perspective please.
18 March 2008
Temping
So,
This is my third week here at this lovely company that shall remain anonymous. The people are great. It's very low stress. Organizing. That's it. And, occasionally, I answer the phone. Which I am less than stellar at. I am not dissatisfied, though life feels strange. I am even doing good-helping my supervisor.
More and more I am needing a more creative existence. I wonder if walks and trying new types of wine and sniffing a sachet of lavender and discovering new bird sounds is enough. Seems to me that doesn't make for interesting as a human being or as an actor.
New day. I cannot seem to finish one post. The days disappear before I have even gotten started. 9 to 6-actually 8 to 7-are the hours temping requires. I cannot understand how the rest of the world lives this way day in and day out-on purpose. I realize other people have the same hours, and that they actually enjoy and chose their work. That's another thing altogether. But, for me, for actors, its for money. Whoop-tee-fucking-doo. That's it. And I am so grateful for this fucking gig. That's what is really crazy. I'm lucky. I'm working.
As actors, are we allowed to actually discover or create a job that thrills us or at least turns us on occassionally? It scares me and even my mother when I think about building another career/company. Will I lose my focus on acting if I do that? Yes would be the most obvious answer. Here's the thing: we have to pay the bills. Why not do it with something that you enjoy? Is that really bizarre? Seems to me it would take to pressure off acting as being your source of happiness.
And what do all of the assistants dream of when they are not backing someone else's-some CEO's vision? I met one woman who said she wanted to work with children-toddlers and have her own child care facility. Another was an actor-eleven years ago. She admits she regrets it, but not without finishing her sentence with "but my job is great." She seems content enough for her.
I saw a dear friend last night. She was visiting from Australia. She moved there for love three months ago. What a wise and beautiful person she is. I admire her bravery and appreciate her honesty.
The poor thing had to listen to my complaints, of which, there are many. I do not take it for granted that I can say anything and be myself without being judged or picked apart. Though I also realize how easy it is to fall into a rut. Sometimes we can attempt nothing better than what is familiar-dysfunctional or not. I suppose that is what friends are for-to love us ruts and all.
I realize today how fortunate I am to be surrounded by people like her. It's amazing who sticks with you and who gets left behind. You never know in this life.
Bottom line-I'm so fucking lucky.
This is my third week here at this lovely company that shall remain anonymous. The people are great. It's very low stress. Organizing. That's it. And, occasionally, I answer the phone. Which I am less than stellar at. I am not dissatisfied, though life feels strange. I am even doing good-helping my supervisor.
More and more I am needing a more creative existence. I wonder if walks and trying new types of wine and sniffing a sachet of lavender and discovering new bird sounds is enough. Seems to me that doesn't make for interesting as a human being or as an actor.
_________________________________________
As actors, are we allowed to actually discover or create a job that thrills us or at least turns us on occassionally? It scares me and even my mother when I think about building another career/company. Will I lose my focus on acting if I do that? Yes would be the most obvious answer. Here's the thing: we have to pay the bills. Why not do it with something that you enjoy? Is that really bizarre? Seems to me it would take to pressure off acting as being your source of happiness.
And what do all of the assistants dream of when they are not backing someone else's-some CEO's vision? I met one woman who said she wanted to work with children-toddlers and have her own child care facility. Another was an actor-eleven years ago. She admits she regrets it, but not without finishing her sentence with "but my job is great." She seems content enough for her.
I saw a dear friend last night. She was visiting from Australia. She moved there for love three months ago. What a wise and beautiful person she is. I admire her bravery and appreciate her honesty.
The poor thing had to listen to my complaints, of which, there are many. I do not take it for granted that I can say anything and be myself without being judged or picked apart. Though I also realize how easy it is to fall into a rut. Sometimes we can attempt nothing better than what is familiar-dysfunctional or not. I suppose that is what friends are for-to love us ruts and all.
I realize today how fortunate I am to be surrounded by people like her. It's amazing who sticks with you and who gets left behind. You never know in this life.
Bottom line-I'm so fucking lucky.
03 March 2008
Absolute Certainty
So, I know it's every actors dilemma. Day job means I cannot audition. How in the hell am I going to make it with a day job. So then, next step, how about a night job? Let's see waitressing? I am probably the worst waitress in the history of the world-or rather I should say that I would fit right in in Europe. Ask me if you need something. Otherwise, I am going to leave you alone. So that won't work. How about bartending or something like that. That could work-except that I rarely drink hard liquor or beer. I really only ever drink wine. So how about a wine bar then. Ok, yeah, that really could work and be interesting, but what if I get a show. Then what? So I read in some book about being an actor that a day job is part of my job. What a fucking nightmare. Anyway, so here I am again.
The truth is I keep thinking about healing and yoga and meditation as a part of my path that I am essentially ignoring. I really believe that its part of me. But the thought of the minutia involved makes me cringe. And it costs money to get set up.
I am such a winy ho-bag.
The truth is I keep thinking about healing and yoga and meditation as a part of my path that I am essentially ignoring. I really believe that its part of me. But the thought of the minutia involved makes me cringe. And it costs money to get set up.
I am such a winy ho-bag.
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